I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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