if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
