Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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