You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Acid is not a monday night drug
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I have fence marks all over my body
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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