Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
