I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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