And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Randomize
