I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
