Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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