So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize
