I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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