I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
