the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
