I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Is it penis luge time yet?
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
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