the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
