dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Randomize
