best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
