Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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