i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
