Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
