those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
