just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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