I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
People in love make me want to vomit
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.