i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.