Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
We left the knife in your bed.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.