drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
