before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Randomize
