It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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