He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
