i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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