U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
i barfeds in our rink
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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