so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
