That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
