life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Life is so much better after having sex.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize
