The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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