At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
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Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
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My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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