Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
