dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
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Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
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