dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
