Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
23 Annoying things Girls Do When They’re Trying To Be Cute
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
As shirtless as possible
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
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There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.