we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
where are you?
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
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The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
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Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling