I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
21 Millennials Confess The Most Awkward Way Someone Has Tried Hitting On Them
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
25 People Confess The Most Ignorant Thing Someone Has Ever Said To Them
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend