He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
