so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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