chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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