good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
