don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Randomize
