Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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