her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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