Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
