My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
