I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
