Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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