I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
