I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
What drink are we having for lunch?
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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