I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
