I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
I faked an abortion last night.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
