I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
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