I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
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Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
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I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
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