saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
